Why the ‘Good Mother’ Ideal Is Failing Moms Around the World
And how it impacts their mental health
In my years supporting women, I often hear the phrase: “I feel like I’m failing as a mother.” It’s heartbreaking and, unfortunately, far too common. It leaves me wondering whether motherhood is portrayed as relatable and diverse. The media surrounding us daily displays ideals through curated images of selflessness and perfection. But studies show how these can shape expectations around motherhood and, in some cases, harm mothers’ mental well-being.
What Defines a “Good” Mother”? Navigating Guilt
I have decided to see what it means, according to the data, to be a “good” mother. Three main characteristics prevailed in most of the studies: being the primary carer for their children, not prioritizing themselves, and successful breastfeeding.
Yet these characteristics might feel general. A scoping review of research published from 2001 to 2021 identified five roles that form the expectations of a “good” mother in Western societies:
- Present mother — expected to be physically and emotionally present, providing all the necessary care a child might need
- Future-oriented mother — expected to ensure her child’s successful physical and cognitive growth
- Working mother — expected to balance work and motherhood
- Public mother — expected to be in control and present an image of informed, self-aware motherhood, whether at home or in public
- Happy mother — expected to be satisfied and fulfilled in the maternal role
These roles often overlap, creating contradictory and overwhelming standards, especially affecting mothers with fewer resources and less support. However, even financially stable women, as shown in a Spanish study, experience feelings of guilt, shame, and frustration when they can’t meet society’s expectations of a “good mother.”
So, what force makes mothers conform to these unattainable ideals and standards across many cultures and societies?
Guilt.
For many mothers, it often feels inescapable. They push themselves to their limits while trying to exceed their capabilities.
How Social Media Shapes Motherhood: Balancing Realities
Social media, while connecting us in incredible ways, amplifies this pressure. Have you ever looked at a picture-perfect mom on Instagram and wondered, “How does she do it all? She effortlessly balances work, has a spotless kitchen, stays in shape, and cooks homemade dinners every night.”
The truth is mom influencers shape how we see motherhood. When their content highlights only the positive aspects, it often leaves mothers feeling less confident, as a study found. In contrast, for first-time expecting mothers, these images can boost confidence.
Another study compared how moms with children under three years reacted to idealized versus realistic Instagram posts. While mothers related more to real-life posts, the idealized ones — whether from influencers or everyday moms — often sparked higher levels of envy and anxiety.
The Positive Impact of Redefining Motherhood
When mothers redefine motherhood based on their values and beliefs, redefine traditional roles, prioritize their mental well-being, and have strong support networks, they benefit from:
- Reduced feelings of guilt and shame: mothers experience less pressure to meet unrealistic expectations
- Improved self-esteem: embracing their version of motherhood supports their confidence
- Greater emotional availability: more emotional energy to give to their children when they are less stressed
- Career satisfaction: when mothers balance work and family according to their values, they’re more likely to enjoy fulfilling careers
Despite many other advantages, not all mothers have equal access to the same resources, support, and opportunities. Research often falls short by focusing mostly on white, middle-class cis-women, leaving out the voices of diverse groups and other caregiving roles. These gaps limit our understanding and fail to represent the full spectrum of experiences.
Redefining motherhood means questioning how cultural norms and traditions serve mothers’ emotional and mental well-being. By honoring every mother's journey and having open conversations about mental health, we can create a space where all mothers can feel supported without judgment.
What does your version of motherhood look like?
